Self-Compassionate Letter

Why You Should Try It

We often judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others, beating ourselves up over our faults, flaws, and shortcomings. That makes us feel isolated, unhappy, and even more stressed; it may even make us try to feel better about ourselves by denigrating other people.

Rather than harsh self-criticism, a healthier response is to treat yourself with compassion and understanding. According to psychologist Kristin Neff, this “self-compassion” has three main components: mindfulness, a feeling of common humanity, and self-kindness. This exercise asks you to write a letter to yourself expressing compassion for an aspect of yourself that you don’t like. Research suggests that people who respond with compassion to their own flaws and setbacks—rather than beating themselves up—experience greater physical and mental health.

Why It Works

Self-compassion reduces painful feelings of shame and self-criticism that can compromise mental health and well-being and stand in the way of personal growth. Writing in a self-compassionate way can help you replace your self-critical voice with a more compassionate one--one that comforts and reassures you rather than berating you for your shortcomings. It takes time and practice, but the more you write in this way, the more familiar and natural the compassionate voice will feel, and the easier it will be to remember to treat yourself kindly when you’re feeling down on yourself. 

Evidence That It Works

Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. Journal of Positive Psychology, 5, 377-389.

Canadians (mostly Caucasian) who wrote a Self-Compassionate Letter every day for a week reported lower symptoms of depression and greater happiness three months later than beforehand; they also seemed happier and less depressed three months later than participants who had written about an early memory every day for a week. Their increase in happiness persisted six months later.

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.

A group of mostly female and Caucasian Americans in an eight-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program, which included practicing the Self-Compassionate Letter, among other exercises, reported feeling greater self-compassion at the end of the program than they had at the beginning. Their self-compassion at the end of the eight weeks was also greater than that of a comparison group who didn’t participate in the program. The MSC participants also reported greater mindfulness and life satisfaction, and lower depression, anxiety, and stress, than the comparison group.

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 18(9), 1133-1143.

American undergraduate students (mostly of Asian or European descent) who wrote a compassionate paragraph to themselves regarding a personal weakness subsequently reported greater feelings of self-compassion. They also experienced other psychological benefits, such as greater motivation for self-improvement, compared to participants who focused on boosting their self-esteem, distracting themselves, or nothing in particular. 

Who Has Tried the Practice?

Self-Compassionate Letter is included in several programs that aim to improve well-being with various compassion exercises, including MSC (a program by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer that trains people to be more mindful and self-compassionate) and Compassionate Mind Training (CMT, a central technique in Paul Gilbert’s Compassion-Focused Therapy designed to improve the mental health of people with high levels of shame and self-criticism).

Research suggests that programs like these can benefit different groups and cultures:

• Mental health patients in Iceland who participated in a four-week CMT program experienced reductions in depression, anxiety, and stress.
• American women (mostly of African and Southeast Asian descent, who were currently, recently, or intending to become pregnant) who completed four CMT exercises that included Self-Compassionate Letter showed larger reductions in depression and anxiety symptoms compared to those who completed cognitive behavioral therapy exercises.
• Japanese individuals wrote Self-Compassionate Letters as part of an Enhancing Self-Compassion Program that also included Compassion Meditation and Mindful Breathing. They exhibited improvements in anxiety, depression, shame, negative thoughts, self-esteem, and emotional well-being.
• Chinese women and Northern Chinese mothers with postpartum depression who wrote Self-Compassionate Letters as part of MSC programs experienced significant reductions in depression, anxiety, and stress symptoms that lasted at least three months.
• Iranian mothers of children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder who wrote Self-Compassionate Letters during an eight-week CMT program experienced reductions in depression, anxiety, and stress symptoms.
• Persian college students, elderly adults, migraine patients, and HIV-positive patients who attended CMT programs in Iran showed improvements in well-being and healthy emotional processes.
• Diabetic patients in New Zealand who attended an MSC program experienced reductions in depression and diabetes distress that lasted three months after the program.
• Chronic pain patients in Spain who engaged in MSC showed improvements in anxiety, unhealthy thought processes, and pain symptoms.
• British couples experiencing a dementia diagnosis improved in depression, anxiety, and quality of life through Compassion-Focused Therapy.
• Nigerian young adults with substance abuse disorder completed a 10-week CMT program and reported lower rates of substance abuse afterward.

More research is needed to explore whether, and how, the impact of this practice extends to other groups and cultures.

Keep in Mind

Writing a Self-Compassionate Letter toward one’s body may be helpful for women who struggle with body image. Female college students and breast cancer survivors who wrote Self-Compassionate Letters improved in body image and emotional well-being.

Self-Compassionate Letter writing may not benefit everyone equally. College students in Hong Kong who wrote three Self-Compassionate Letters did experience some benefits: They showed decreases in physical symptoms up to three months later. But they also reported more negative emotion, while experiencing no improvements in depression, self-compassion, or emotion regulation capacities. This may be because, in Asian societies, expressing psychological distress through the body is more acceptable than having a diagnosable mental disorder.

Sources

Kristin Neff, Ph.D., University of Texas, Austin
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion

References

When you're struggling, are you a friend to yourself—or a harsh critic? Take our Self-Compassion quiz to find out: