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Try Self-Distancing

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A group of people sit in rows of chairs in a bright room, seen from behind as they face a speaker.

How to Do It

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts and emotions that we have a hard time considering someone else’s point of view. To avoid this trap, try to think about yourself or talk to yourself in the third- or second-person instead of the first-person.

Research suggests that “self-distancing” through this simple change in pronouns can help us better regulate our emotions and engage in difficult conversations with greater equanimity and less distress.

It can be hard to practice self-distancing in the heat of a disagreement. For starters, it might be easier to try these steps on your own, removed from a conflict, then eventually work your way up to applying them in the midst of an argument or debate. This can be a conflict you’re having with someone close to you, like a romantic partner, or you can apply this skill to the way you’re thinking about members of a group with whom you have differences or disagreements.

First, think about this conflict from the perspective of a third party who wants the best for all involved—a person who sees things from a neutral point of view. How might this person think about the disagreement?
As you think about the conflict, shift your perspective of what is happening from the first-person to the third-person. For example, if your name is Leo, instead of asking, “Why do I feel this way?” ask yourself, “Why does Leo feel this way?”
Taking this third-person perspective can be challenging, especially around intergroup conflicts—and especially in the heat of the moment. Ask yourself: What obstacles do you face trying to take this third-person perspective? What might help you overcome them? For example, if you find yourself getting caught up in the heat of the moment, it might help to pause and take a deep breath.
Keep practicing and reflecting. Despite the obstacles to self-distancing, people can be successful in doing so—but it takes practice. Over the next few months, try your best to take this perspective during disagreements. What effect does it have on the interaction? What effects can you feel it having on your body and thoughts? How could you be more successful at it? Allow these reflections to inform your future interactions, make your disagreements more constructive, and prevent them from escalating.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own thoughts and emotions that it becomes difficult to see someone else’s point of view. One way to break that pattern is by shifting how you talk to yourself—using your name or third-person pronouns like “he,” “she,” or “they” instead of “I” when reflecting on a difficult situation. Research suggests that this technique, known as “self-distancing,” can help us better regulate our emotions and engage in difficult conversations with greater equanimity and less distress.

Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable, whether in classroom debates, faculty meetings, or within student organizations. Self-distancing works by helping you create psychological distance between you and the feeling or experience you’re going through. For example, if your name is Leo, instead of saying, “I’m feeling so angry about this interaction with this administrator,” you can ask yourself, “Why does Leo feel angry right now?” "What’s driving that emotion and how might Leo want to respond?”

You may begin to notice that this simple change starts to reduce distress and allow you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, even in the heat of a disagreement.

Emotions can run high, which is exactly when self-distancing is most helpful—but also hardest to access. To build the habit, try it on your own first: journal about a recent conflict using your name instead of “I,” or mentally replay the moment as if you were advising a friend. With practice, these small shifts in reflection can become habits you can draw on more easily when real tension arises.

The Practice on Campus

Debra Austin teaches law at the University of Denver, including a class on regenerative leadership, where she encourages self-distancing in a number of exercises. For instance, after she explains the basics of self-distancing, she invites students to practice. They recall a recent low point, perhaps a disagreement or misunderstanding, and apply the technique. She then invites them to write about that experience in detail, but in the third person, using their first name rather than first-person pronouns like "I." Students find this odd at first, she says, but upon reflection they realize it gives them helpful distance on a situation rife with conflict or tension.