This practice is part of the
Time Required
5 minutes or less. You can think about using these tips any time you are expressing gratitude to someone.
How to Do It
Take a moment to think about a generous or helpful action that someone took on your behalf that you feel grateful for. Consider: What did they do that led to your gratitude? How was what they did great or praiseworthy (for example, what goodness did it bring to you)? Why was their behavior especially meaningful to you?
Then, take two minutes to thank someone. Try to include these three components as part of your “thank you”:
- Be specific about what you’re thanking them for. Instead of just saying, “Thanks for your help,” try, “Thanks for helping me think through a difficult decision about what to do next.”
- Acknowledge the effort that they put into that kind act. For instance, “I appreciate the time and attention that you gave to me, listening closely and sharing your valuable perspective.”
- Finally, describe how what they did led to something good, or met a need for you. “Your understanding and thoughtful feedback helped me move forward in a way that feels both fulfilling and productive.”
Many of us say “thank you” to others regularly in the course of a day, but this practice just brings more intentionality to that expression and helps us communicate our gratitude in the most beneficial way.
Why You Should Try It
In day-to-day life, it’s easy to get used to, or even overlook, the good things that others do for us. People’s effort on our behalf can feel ordinary or expected. It’s also common to focus too much on things that feel worrisome or frustrating, and forget how other people bring goodness into our lives, even in our close relationships.
Even when we do remember to say “thank you” for gifts and kindness, our gratitude might feel too lightweight or even superficial, to the point that the other person doesn’t actually feel appreciated. Having a “thank you” fall flat can discourage us from saying “thank you” the next time. As a result, we don’t experience the power of gratitude to increase trust, closeness, and cooperation.
Saying “thank you” to people works, and it has the biggest benefit when it comes from truly feeling grateful—that warm, connected sense that goodness has been given to us not due to our own actions but as a result of another person’s intentional and impactful effort. By including a description of what another person did, the effort involved in their action, and the way their action led to something meaningful in our “thank you,” we make this feeling stronger both within ourselves and in the person whom we are thanking.
A key function of gratitude is to signal shared goodness between people, and being more specific when we express it turns that signal up.
Why It Works
By saying “thank you” to someone, acknowledging the effort behind their actions, and pointing out how their actions helped you, you make them feel truly appreciated. As a result, they feel closer to you and are more likely to want to help you down the line—which, in turn, encourages you to feel closer to them and want to help them, as well, creating an upward spiral of gratitude, reciprocal kindness, and connection.
Saying “thank you” also activates physiological systems involved in stress recovery and social affiliation, both of which are intrinsically rewarding—they feel good. So the more you say “thank you,” this research suggests, the more you’ll feel encouraged to do it again in the future, which has many benefits to health and well-being.
Evidence That It Works
Chang, Y .P., Way, B. M., Sheeran, P., Kurtz, L. E., Baucom, D. H., & Algoe, S. (2022). Implementation intentions to express gratitude increase daily time co-present with an intimate partner, and moderate effects of variation in CD38. Scientific Reports 12, 11697.
Couples where one partner was secretly assigned to express gratitude more frequently to the other for three weeks spent more time in close physical proximity to each other than couples where neither partner was given instructions to express gratitude.
Park, Y., Visserman, M. L., Sisson, N. M., Le, B. M., Stellar, J. E., & Impett, E. A. (2021). How can I thank you? highlighting the benefactor’s responsiveness or costs when expressing gratitude. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 504–523.
When people spontaneously express gratitude in a way that highlights the good impact or need met by another person’s actions, the people being thanked report greater positive feelings about the gratitude expression and about the relationship.
Sources
Algoe S. B., Chandler K. R. (2024). Experienced gratitude is a catalyst for upward spirals of perceived partner responsiveness. Current Opinion in Psychology, 55, 101764.
Froh, J. J., Bono, G., Fan, J., Emmons, R. A., Henderson, K., Harris, C., Leggio, H., & Wood, A. M. (2014). Nice thinking! An educational intervention that teaches children to think gratefully. School Psychology Review, 43(2), 132–152.
Park, Y., Visserman, M. L., Sisson, N. M., Le, B. M., Stellar, J. E., & Impett, E. A. (2021). How can I thank you? Highlighting the benefactor’s responsiveness or costs when expressing gratitude. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 504–523.
Wong Y. J. (2023). The catalyst model of change: Gratitude interventions with positive long-term effects. Affective Science 4, 152–162.
Saying "thank you" is a way of attuning to the good things in life. Do you have an attitude of gratitude? Take our Gratitude quiz to find out:
Comments
and Reviews
Susan Ruth Skinner
It was great to learn about how to improve my "thank yous". I am sure it will be more meaningful to the person receiving it and more memorable also.
Abbygail Barrett
I enjoyed this practice because I realized we don't thank people enough correctly. We need to start by thanking the person for what they did, how grateful we are for their action and how it made us feel. This allows the person to feel appreciated and valued.
Rebecca Persons
I feel I am pretty good with thanking people. I have strong relationships at work and have cultivated these over the years. I always try to help others, so people often reciprocate. I think I tried to be more specific with my thanks this week.
Karen Hamilton
It felt so good! I don't think people are thanked enough for the things they do and often when they are, it's an automatic "thank you". Being specific and sharing how something helped me took it to a whole new level for both me and the person I thanked. I could tell how pleased they were that their extra effort was really appreciated.
Nat
Gena Galenski
12/01/24 I spoke to my friend of over 40 years today thanking her. 1) She's been committed over decades to maintain this relationship when it was so rocky that I wanted to give up / leave - several times. We have gotten over major hurdles wherein I've learned that I can get through these times when I want to or have given up. I come back. 2) I thanked her for hanging in there with me over these decades ... to keep me engaged ... when I have been absent / checked out. 3) This relationship taught me that when I feel 110% sure I want to leave a relationship when I feel mistreated or hurt that I can and do recover. As she calls it 'repairing' - We both own our behavior and make our amends. We are in a very good place now. About two months after this major fall out with her, I had another situation where I checked out ... to then find I shifted emotionally, mentally-psychologically, and resolved differences. I can 'come back' when I feel I am checked out. This is huge. This doesn't mean I am a push over. Hardly. I process my feelings and now know that whatever may happen in a relationship, I have the ability to come back - with time to heal and process.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.