Time Required
Each person will forgive at their own pace. We suggest that you move through the steps below based on what works for you.
How to Do It
- Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then tell a few trusted people about your experience.
- Make a commitment to yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and no one else.
- Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning their actions. In forgiveness, you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally.
- Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what hurt you two minutes—or 10 years—ago.
- At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management to soothe your body’s fight or flight response. This could mean taking deep breaths, doing a mindful breathing exercise, taking a walk outside—whatever is most effective for you.
- Give up expecting things from your life or from other people that they do not choose to give you. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity, and work hard to get them. However, these are “unenforceable rules”: You will suffer when you demand that these things occur, since you do not have the power to make them happen.
- Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.
- Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power over you to the person who caused you pain, look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Put more energy into appreciating what you have rather than attending to what you do not have.
- Amend the way you look at your past so you remind yourself of your heroic choice to forgive.
Why You Should Try It
We all suffer slights, hurts, and betrayals, and it’s natural to be upset with the people who hurt us, or sometimes even cut off contact with them. But holding onto a grudge too deeply or for too long can wreak havoc on our mental and physical health—it can elevate stress, increase our blood pressure and heart rate, and even compromise our immune system.
Forgiveness entails letting go of resentment or vengeance toward an offender and making peace with what happened so you can move on with your life; it doesn’t necessarily mean reconciling with that person. Because forgiveness can be a daunting challenge, Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University has designed these nine steps to walk people through the process of forgiving someone who hurt them.
The process of forgiveness takes time and should only be initiated when you feel ready and have had time to grieve the wrong that was done to you. Research suggests that practicing forgiveness can not only strengthen relationships but also reduce toxic feelings of stress and anger and boost happiness and optimism.
For more on the benefits of forgiveness, see the Greater Good Science Center’s forgiveness definition page.
Why It Works
By reducing feelings of anger and resentment that are not serving a constructive purpose, the steps described above can help shift people’s mental attention away from ruminating on negative events in their past; this can decrease stress levels and potentially even improve physical health. In addition, these steps encourage people to focus on and appreciate the positives in their lives, such as experiences of receiving kindness and love—an orientation to life that, research suggests, can increase happiness and improve relationships.
Evidence That It Works
Harris, A. H., Luskin, F. M., Benisovich, S. V., Standard, S., Bruning, J., Evans, S., and Thoresen, C. (2006). Effects of a group forgiveness intervention on forgiveness, perceived stress and trait anger: A randomized trial. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 62(6), 715-733.
259 adults who completed a six-week forgiveness training (90 minutes/session) reported lower stress, anger, and hurt than people who didn’t undergo the training. They also felt more capable of forgiving and greater optimism immediately after the training and four months later.
Dr. Luskin led the training, which involved teaching participants the core elements of forgiveness outlined above, including taking less personal offense, blaming the offender less, and offering more understanding of the offender and of oneself.
Dr. Luskin has also successfully led his forgiveness training for victims of violence in Northern Ireland and Sierra Leone.
Sources
Fred Luskin, Ph.D., Stanford University
For More
Learn more about Dr. Luskin’s work on the Stanford Forgiveness Projects and through his book, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness (HarperOne, 2003).
He also elaborates on the theory behind his nine steps to forgiveness in these Greater Good Science Center videos and this article.
Quick Description
When someone hurts you, are you more likely to turn the other cheek—or seek revenge? Take our Forgiveness quiz to find out:
Comments
and Reviews
Shriram Parameswaran
Forgiving Others & Forgiving Self: a practice that can be very challenging to embrace. But once embraced, this is such a source of positive energy ! Far more powerful than the practice of Gratitude. It is only when we truly practice Forgiveness, do we have the possibility to evolve.
Carol Edwards
Akshay Verma, I hear what you say. The sad and difficult thing is, some people are not willing or ready to listen objectively. No matter how, or how much you feel they have hurt you, all you can do is accept that they are not ready or able to listen and explain themselves for now. Maybe there will come a time when you will both be able to talk and explain how you feel. Even then it may be hard to understand. In the meantime try not to turn your feelings and anger inward. It will only make you feel unhappier, and affect those around you who don't want you to feel this way. I had to explore feelings about my father after he died. It made me accept things that were hard for me to understand, as I was quite young when he died. I also realised that he was trying to make me a better person, though his way of doing it felt hard to me at the time. I forgave him mentally when I was in my late teens, as I realised it was not a load I wanted or needed to bear. I also realised that some of the things he taught me were in an odd way useful, though I try to treat others with more compassion because of how I felt. I also remind myself to be compassionate to myself.
Valerie Viramonte
This is a good forgivenesses practice. It really all comes back to ourselves and how we respond to what or who we have felt hurt. I love my parents fiercely but didn’t always, it was only after I forgave them and understood their shortcomings. To carry the burden of a grudge only brings more pain.
Akshay Verma
How I feel about forgiveness Whenever I start these forgiveness session i feel like getting tortured by myself feel like I'm going through some kind of alcoholic reform group. I mean i understand I'm doing it for myself but feels like I got hurt in the first place & now i have to go through all this & many offender don't even know about it. I read men & women feel forgiveness differently so I feel like I'm whinning and crying a lot & I say to myself i should take it like a man f**k everything but don't have the mental strength to do it. Is there any kind of alternative to forgiveness like say I forget about the incident & focus on any other thing & also I cut off the person as if doesn't exist. What After Forgiveness?? say I forgive the person who did really unforgettable things & created situations how to live in harmony with that person around. How to be in the same room? How to talk without getting irritated?? should I talk or avoid completely?? for eg. B/w father and son situation. My present situation Been long miserable 5 yrs & still going on. The worst part when start to say something to anyone 1. no one understands 2. i get irritated and shout, break things and say things and family threaten to take me to a psychiatrist. 3. feel guilty and very bad and came to a solution to never say anything no matter what. 4. WORST part still those shouting incident from point 2. repeats in my head & those bad memories remain fresh I can't forget those traumatising incident. Now I feel my mental strength is gone can't focus on my work can't even do the work that is spoon fed to me. Been binge watching movies for about year. My family look at me in the way as if I'm ruining family happiness. I know that need friends but too careful to talk to people, fear of getting hurt again.
Lyman
Thanks for this article. I think it is very helpful. One definition of "forgive" is: Cancel (a debt) ‘he proposed that their debts should be forgiven’. Once I can say what I think about what happened, I know what my claim is against the other person. Then I can choose to cancel that claim. I like feeling that I have some control. I'm choosing to forgive that debt and move on.
robert
Thank you for this article. I have found it helpful, and agree with just about all of it. However, I feel as if we need a new word to use instead of "Forgiveness". In your second point, you stated, "Forgiveness is for you, no one else." And in your third point you stated that, "Forgiveness does not mean reconciling..." However, in the dictionaries that I looked at (and I really did look at several) the definition of the word "Forgiveness" is essentially "Reconciliation". Also, with my christian theological training, "Forgiveness" means that one forgets the transgressions of another, and a right relationship is restored between the transgressor, and the person offended. But the point is, I agree with you! Sometimes it is best to put things behind us; realize that bad things have happened; that we will never be in a right relationship with the offender; but we can move on! Since that is the reality (at least for me), I think we need to find another word to define this state of being, and not use the word Forgiveness. Can you help find a new word for this? Thank you.
vinit
Very useful.
Arden McKay
This was really useful for me. I completed this fairly quickly, and it has made me feel so much better. I'll be aware of any anger or hurt that comes up regarding my particular issue, and will be ready to go this process again! Thank you very much for this activity.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.