This practice is part of the
Time Required
At least 10 minutes. Try to make time for this practice at least once per week.
How to Do It
Find a quiet place where you can talk with a conversation partner without interruption or distraction. Invite this person to share what’s on their mind. As they do so, try to follow the steps below. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more you do cover, the more effective this practice is likely to be.
- Paraphrase. Once the other person has finished expressing a thought, try to paraphrase what they said to make sure you understand and to show that you are paying attention. Helpful ways to paraphrase include “What I hear you saying is…,” “It sounds like…,” and “If I understand you right….”
- Ask questions. When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. Try to avoid jumping to conclusions about what the other person means. Instead, ask questions to clarify their meaning, such as, “When you say_____, do you mean_____?”
- Express empathy. If the other person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why they feel that way, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself were you in that person's position. You might respond, “I can sense that you’re feeling frustrated,” and even “I can understand how that situation could cause frustration.”
- Use engaged body language. You can show that you are engaged and interested by making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, and maintaining an open and relaxed body posture. Try to avoid attending to distractions in your environment or checking your phone. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might communicate disapproval or disgust.
- Avoid judgment. Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Try not to interrupt with counter-arguments or mentally prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking.
- Avoid giving advice. Problem-solving is likely to be more effective after both conversation partners understand one another’s perspective and feel heard. Moving too quickly into advice-giving can be counterproductive.
- Take turns. After the other person has had a chance to speak and you have engaged in the active listening steps above, ask if it’s okay for you to share your perspective. When sharing your perspective, express yourself as clearly as possible using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help out around the house.”). It may also be helpful, when relevant, to express empathy for the other person’s perspective (e.g., “I know you’ve been very busy lately and don’t mean to leave me hanging.”).
Why You Should Try It
Often we’ll listen to a conversation partner without really hearing them. In the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person—and even risk making them feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful.
This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and make them feel heard—a way to foster empathy and connection. This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a romantic partner) and for expressing support. It may also help facilitate constructive conversations across political, cultural, or other differences; however, studies have found that, when there's a power imbalance between people of different groups, it's more important for the person with less social power to give their perspective while the person with more social power listens and tries to take their perspective. Research suggests that using this technique can help others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction.
Why It Works
Active listening helps listeners better understand others’ perspectives and helps speakers feel more understood and less threatened. This technique can prevent miscommunication and spare hurt feelings on both sides. By improving communication and preventing arguments from escalating, active listening can make relationships more enduring and satisfying. Practicing active listening with someone close to you can also help you listen better when interacting with other people in your life, such as friends or co-workers.
Evidence That It Works
Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31.
Participants had brief conversations (about their biggest disappointment with their university) with someone trained to engage in active listening, someone who gave them advice, or someone who gave simple acknowledgments of their point of view. Participants who received active listening reported feeling more understood at the end of the conversation.
Bruneau, E. G., & Saxe, R. (2012). The power of being heard: The benefits of ‘perspective-giving’ in the context of intergroup conflict. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 48(4), 855-866.
One study paired Mexican immigrants with White Americans while another paired Israelis with Palestinians. In both studies, each member of the pair was asked to share their perspectives on the difficulties of life in their society, and to take the perspective of the other person when he or she was sharing their views. Results suggest that this dialogue significantly improved participants’ attitudes toward the other group—for instance, they felt greater empathy for their suffering, trusted their intentions more, and felt more warmly toward their group as a whole. However, for members of the pair with less social power (e.g., Mexican immigrants or Palestinians), attitudes toward the other group improved more after they gave their perspective than after they took the other person’s perspective.
Sources
Instructions adapted from: Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.
Quick Description
Active Listening involves approaching a conversation with a genuine desire to understand the other person’s feelings and perspective, without judgment or defensiveness. When you engage in Active Listening, you tune into what your conversation partner is communicating with their words and body language. How well do you feel and understand what others are feeling? Take the Empathy quiz to find out.
Comments
and Reviews
Susan Ann Rapport
Positive, leads to brainstorming the problem. And helping me understand my friends situation so I can help, with real assistance.
Carol Grins
Interesting. - I hadn't done this in such a self-reflecting way since I learned the skills in my diploma of welfare classes a decade ago. It is great to revisit this and consider what I could do better.
Cyndy Rineer
It sometimes is tough to listen closely and actively to people when there are other things happening around you or million other things to do. Really need open mind and time to active listen well
Gabriela Díaz de León Ocaña
I haven't had the oportunity to practice Active Listening in a argument or difficult conversation. Instead I did it fully listening to my kid when he was showing excitement a bout a particular issue. I tried to paraphrase, asked him questions about feelings, I tried no to give him advise. I saw him very happy as I showed him my genuine interest in just talking (instead of beeing always a corrective mother). I felt him more open to express his feeling and happy he was been listened without judgments. It was nice to feel I made him feel comfortable. I"ll be observing if there is a chance to do this practice in a diferente circumstance.
Michele Tompkins
This was an excellent reminder to NOT give advice or solutions - That's where I struggle the most. Being conscious of this habit helps me to hold back and really think before I speak. In my daily work role, people always tended to come to me for 'solutions' so I can easily get stuck in that mode.
Samuel T Lim
very helpful.
Trina moore
It was very fun to try. And I enjoyed it
Trina moore
I was more I tune with what they were saying.
Trina moore
I was more I tune with what they were saying.
Jeanne Langenberg
The original instructions would have been fine any time except during the covid epidemic. I wouldn't do this face-to-face until both of us were fully vaccinated. I am, however, involved in a number of Zoom groups with between three and eight participants. There is time during each of these groups to share something each is thankful for and to ask for prayers for someone or something about which each is concerned. Each person has the floor without interruption until all have spoken, and any responses are supportive, but saved until each has had a chance to talk. It is a part of each meeting that all members find rewarding.
Dana Malick
So good to be actively looking for opportunities to listen to others. It’s nice to give myself permission to listen and not be problem solving.
Gloria M Webster
This will need practice. When you/we are not brought up to do that. glo t
Jack Love
This is a helpful guide, thank you. I am gathering things like this with an eye toward helping parents, especially fathers, to deepen or repair their relationships with their children by increasing empathy skills. Thanks for all your work, your site is an excellent resource.
Siti Hajar B. Abdullah-Anjong
Appreciate the work you do, this is an excellent primer on active listening. However, for true happiness and to lead a meaningful life, we should always start with cultivating inner self-worth not reliant on a "judgmental higher power" - and then with clearly defining the boundaries of your core principles. This is a crucial first step.
Catherine Hubert
I feel like I do this everyday in my work and when seeing students. Sometimes it is difficult to not jump in before the speaker is done, practice, practice, practice
Carolyn Ellison
It went well!
กิตติศักดิ์ นารีรักษ์
Thank you so much
Debi Doyle
As a counselor this is my job, to be an active listener. But I must say a great reminder as a friend to also be an active listener and to listen with intent.
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This was a phone conversation that was Interesting and instructive with a person who tends to be very self involved. By giving her my full attention she hung up in a good mood and I learned something.
Marisa O
It was difficult at first, but then was better and i felt calm and proud.
Christine Miller
It was difficult with my daughter, because I disagreed with her analysis of the situation. However, without me adding my two cents she continued to discuss the issue deeper. Which was a benefit.
Anne-Marie Schwerin
Good. I used it during my Lenten reading discussion with a friend. Made a good thing even better.
ochronus
Great points, but I think it's only scratching the surface. A non-judgmental, open and curious attitude is key, but it's hard to practice - the rest is 'easy'. I've put down my thoughts about active listening as well: https://ochronus.online/active-listening-boosts-careers/
Beatrice Canales
where is the empathy quiz?
Andy Houghton
Hi. We made a video about Effective/Active Listening and thought you and your readers might find it interesting https://youtu.be/Xl4RuPAIE_E The sections are 'time linked' in the description so that you can jump to them easily.
Chan So Ei
Good
Ron Ly
I have been trying to "Listen deep" This give me concret steps to practice active listening
eve-everywhere
Doesn't work much for me. I am too much focused on the process, the steps. Not natural. My best way of listening is to open my heart and my mind. Be completely devoted to that person in front of me. Funny thing, a psychologist tried to do active listening with me on the phone one day I was only looking for some information and I got so mad! I think that when you know that method, you notice immediately when someone is using it and it does not feel sincere.
Phil
There's a step missing here... my wife and I have been trying this for years with only partial success, and only just realised why recently. You have to talk about feelings! We too often got caught up in 'you did, I did' discussions, which derailed everything , we went round in frustrating circles. Finally I have realised I need to ask, 'yes, but when I did that how did you FEEL about it?' Then sharing happens and trust and closeness builds.
Expat returned
When you have a crush on somebody all of these come naturally when listening to that person 😊 (well, or you just "like", you don't have to have a crush)
Shelly Dvorak
I think it's interesting to separate what I'm capable of (in regard to empathy) and what I regularly practice. I am capable of great empathy and can very easily tap into and understand the emotions of others. Yet, I regularly forget (or fail) to leverage my skill when I am feeling upset or frustrated. It's beneficial for me to consider the gap between what regularly "is" in my consciousness, and what "could be," based upon my natural talent in this area. Looking at that gap gives me confidence that I could improve happiness and contentedness for myself and others regularly, just through mindfully practicing the skills I already possess (rather than allowing my emotions to cause a lock-down on my empathic system).
Jason Marsh
Thank you for your comment, Aaron. It's always enormously helpful to hear how people are putting our materials into practice.
Aaron Cooper PhD
As a marriage counselor, I'm coaching clients all the time on the skill of Active Listening. Your module is a really great aide for me, and already clients of mine have reported on its helpfulness. Thank you for providing this wonderful website.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.