Time Required
You can try this practice whenever you have a few minutes to spare and you’re in the company of strangers. Research participants benefited from conversations that lasted 10-20 minutes.
How to Do It
In our everyday lives, we routinely spend time around strangers but don’t always strike up conversations with them. This exercise invites you to make a connection rather than remaining in solitude.
Whether during your commute, in a waiting room or elevator, or in line for coffee, have a conversation with a new person today. Try to make a connection. Find out something interesting about them and share something about you. The longer the conversation, the better. Your goal is to try to get to know the person.
Although people are probably more willing to talk than you expect, it’s important to be sensitive if you sense that your conversation partner doesn’t want to engage. If they do seem interested, here are some tips for a good conversation:
- Ask questions related to your immediate context. At a grocery store, you might ask, “What are you going to make with that?” During the holidays, you might ask, “How is your shopping going?”
- Have some go-to questions, like “What do you do for fun?” or “Where are you from?”
- Leverage your knowledge of news or current events. You might ask, “Did you hear about the couple who won the lottery? What would you do if you won?”
- Explore their interests, particularly if you seem to have something in common. For example, “Are you on your way to yoga? What's your favorite type of class?”
- Ask follow-up questions—rather than flitting from topic to topic—to go deeper into the conversation and be better liked by your partner.
Why You Should Try It
You might think that making small talk with a stranger won’t be pleasant. If you do, you’re not alone—most people believe it would be difficult to start a conversation with a stranger and likely that the stranger wouldn't want to talk to them. On top of that, social norms often encourage us to stay quiet.
In reality, though, we’re wrong. Studies have shown that people are more interested in connecting—and these kinds of conversations are more pleasant—than we expect them to be. In fact, talking to a stranger can be just as enjoyable as talking with a friend (and the strangers enjoy it, too).
Even if you’re an introvert, getting a brief boost of social connection can be a positive experience—despite what your intuitions are telling you.
Why It Works
Social connection is crucial to our happiness, and yet we spend many moments of the day in polite solitude—sharing silent elevator rides, standing in line feeling impatient, or crammed on public transit without making eye contact with anyone.
This practice transforms moments that might otherwise feel slightly negative—particularly commuting, ranked as one of the least enjoyable daily activities—into an opportunity to smile, share something about yourself, and brighten someone’s day. Indeed, socializing is ranked as one of the most enjoyable daily activities, and the “micro-moments” of connection that we experience with others can uplift us and bring us a sense of common humanity.
Evidence That It Works
Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980-1999.
In a series of experiments, people on public transit, in taxis, and in a waiting room were assigned to either make conversation with a stranger or stay silent. Participants who made conversation reported having more positive and no less productive interactions, and they had positive impressions of their interlocutors.
Quick Description
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Comments
and Reviews
Mary Bennett
I am choosing to not participate in this practice. It would be socially inappropriate and unsafe in my community to engage for any length of time with strangers on the street, in an elevator, etc. (especially in the midst of a pandemic) and it also violates the social etiquette of my community. I have selected, instead, a few practices on your website I think are better suited for my goals. Thank you.
Yvonne Box
I used this when selling raffle tickets for a well-respected charity outside a local supermarket. I think my reason for being there made it easy for people to engage with me in that situation. However, I often start brief conversations (1 - 2 minutes) with strangers and normally get a positive response. While I agree there's probably a lot of benefit to 10+ minutes, this can be hard to achieve unless the circumstances are suitable, such as while commuting on public transport. I once had an entire impromptu coaching conversation (of about an hour) with a man I met on a plane!
Patricia Rojas
I love talking with strangers and find it much easier to do in the suburbs. When I lived in NYC, I would get nasty looks or would just be ignored completely. I keep striking up conversations with neighbors when out with the dogs, I don't know them, but it feels nice to talk with another human. Though, I think I like the interactions because they're completely superficial and stay on the surface.
Cynthia
Unfortunately I have a similar reaction -- very few opportunities during COVID to practice this. But before COVID, I did this quite a bit. I enjoy talking with strangers, but I don't always get positive reactions from the folks I try to chat up, FYI; I sense some of them think I'm daft.
Sierra
I love this practice, especially during the pandemic when interactions are limited. I always try to strike up conversation with the person checking me out at the grocery store, or at the dog park. My boyfriend can always tell when I've done it because my mood lightens for hours!
Margery Seid
Right now during the pandemic, this is almost impossible. My only interactions with strangers are almost nil. My husband and I are often the only people we have any conversations with even if we go out for essential errands.
Angie Kelly
This is a difficult exercise to do during a pandemic.
Monika Hall
I don't think the recommended question "where are you from?" Is appropriate. It has the effect of 'othering' the individual you are trying to talk to