This practice is part of the
Time Required
You can try this practice whenever you have a few minutes to spare and you’re in the company of strangers. Research participants benefited from conversations that lasted 10-20 minutes.
How to Do It
In our everyday lives, we routinely spend time around strangers but don’t always strike up conversations with them. This exercise invites you to make a connection rather than remaining in solitude.
Whether during your commute, in a waiting room or elevator, or in line for coffee, have a conversation with a new person today. Try to make a connection. Find out something interesting about them and share something about you. The longer the conversation, the better. Your goal is to try to get to know the person.
Although people are probably more willing to talk than you expect, it’s important to be sensitive if you sense that your conversation partner doesn’t want to engage. If they do seem interested, here are some tips for a good conversation:
- Ask questions related to your immediate context. At a grocery store, you might ask, “What are you going to make with that?” During the holidays, you might ask, “How is your shopping going?”
- Have some go-to questions, like “What do you do for fun?” or “Where are you from?”
- Leverage your knowledge of news or current events. You might ask, “Did you hear about the couple who won the lottery? What would you do if you won?”
- Explore their interests, particularly if you seem to have something in common. For example, “Are you on your way to yoga? What's your favorite type of class?”
- Ask follow-up questions—rather than flitting from topic to topic—to go deeper into the conversation and be better liked by your partner.
Why You Should Try It
You might think that making small talk with a stranger won’t be pleasant. If you do, you’re not alone—most people believe it would be difficult to start a conversation with a stranger and likely that the stranger wouldn't want to talk to them. On top of that, social norms often encourage us to stay quiet.
In reality, though, we’re wrong. Studies have shown that people are more interested in connecting—and these kinds of conversations are more pleasant—than we expect them to be. In fact, talking to a stranger can be just as enjoyable as talking with a friend (and the strangers enjoy it, too).
Even if you’re an introvert, getting a brief boost of social connection can be a positive experience—despite what your intuitions are telling you.
Why It Works
Social connection is crucial to our happiness, and yet we spend many moments of the day in polite solitude—sharing silent elevator rides, standing in line feeling impatient, or crammed on public transit without making eye contact with anyone.
This practice transforms moments that might otherwise feel slightly negative—particularly commuting, ranked as one of the least enjoyable daily activities—into an opportunity to smile, share something about yourself, and brighten someone’s day. Indeed, socializing is ranked as one of the most enjoyable daily activities, and the “micro-moments” of connection that we experience with others can uplift us and bring us a sense of common humanity.
Evidence That It Works
Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999.
In a series of experiments in Chicago, people on public transit, in taxis, and in a waiting room were assigned to either make conversation with a stranger or stay silent. Those who made conversation reported having more positive and no less productive interactions, and they had positive impressions of their conversational partners. No demographic information was included in this study.
More research is needed to explore whether, and how, the impact of this practice extends to other groups and cultures.
Keep in Mind
A study that examined conversations between pairs of strangers suggests that most people feel more positive emotions after socializing, but extremely introverted people may not experience these benefits.
References
Duffy, K. A., Helzer, E. G., Hoyle, R. H., Helzer, J. F., & Chartrand, T. L. (2018). Pessimistic expectations and poorer experiences: The role of (low) extraversion in anticipated and experienced enjoyment of social interaction. PLoS ONE, 13(7), 21.
How strong are your social connections, online and off? Take our Social Capital quiz to find out.
Comments
and Reviews
Paula Bird
I talked to several people this week. some conversations went deeper into commonalities and other conversations were more light hearted. It is not so easy to find someone to talk to. I did not want to make random phone calls and have the people know my phone number, so I went to the park where an event was going on and made some connections. I have lost social skills since Covid, and I am not alone, I will continue to talk to folks when the opportunity is there. I have talked to the workers on the road crew in front of my house, and enjoyed that. A lot of people volunteer to help out society. I am working for environmental change and action and have reached out to several people this week. We are all in this together, I want to do this some more,
May Liew
i am easy with small talks to strangers all my life
Janet Elizabeth McNaughton
This was a very challenging practice for me because people have different ideas about what's friendly interest and what's unwelcome nosiness, so I've always been very careful about what I say to strangers, sticking to very neutral topics like the weather. Luckily, I began a group physio program last week and took the opportunity to get to know one of the other participants. After we exchanged some personal information, she told me she's very anxious about not being able to keep up in the exercises. I was actually anxious because I was told I'd find the exercises easy and I didn't want to make other people uncomfortable, so I was able to assure her she should progress at her own pace and that I certainly wouldn't be judging her. I think this exchange is going to make for a happier experience for both of us, so I'm glad I did this practice even though it was way outside my comfort level.
Natalie O'Connor
It was a reasonable experience! I don't like making small talk but putting yourself out there does make a difference.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.