This practice is part of the
Time Required
15 minutes. Try to do this practice once a month to sustain your feelings of trust and connection.
How to Do It
- Make a list of the people who offer you comfort or security. If it's helpful, consider:
• Who is the person you most like to spend time with?
• Who is the person it is hardest to be away from?
• Who is the person you want to talk to when you are worried about something?
• Who is the person you turn to when you are feeling down?
• Who is the person you know will always be there for you?
• Who is the person you want to share your successes with
(Some of these might be the same person.) - Write down six positive qualities that are common to some or all of these people—qualities that they strongly demonstrate.
- Next, recall and visualize a specific situation when you were feeling distressed or worried, and one of these people comforted and helped you.
- Write a brief description of that situation and the way you felt during it.
Why You Should Try It
Most of us want to be kind and caring, but that can be easier said than done, especially when we feel stressed, threatened, or insecure. Often in those moments, our natural reaction is to focus on ourselves and make sure that we’re safe instead of paying attention to other people’s needs and supporting them. But disconnecting from others can actually exacerbate our stress.
This exercise helps free you from that downward spiral. It asks you to think about the people you turn to when you’re distressed and recall times when you’ve felt comforted by them. Research suggests that increasing momentary feelings of comfort by thinking about supportive relationships can make us more trusting, compassionate, and helpful toward others in general.
Why It Works
A great deal of research points to the importance of “attachment security,” a state that involves feelings of trust and comfort. When we feel safe and secure, our energy can be more easily directed toward caring for others. Reflecting on the people in our life who love and support us can increase our feelings of security and also remind us of the kinds of qualities we want to embody when supporting others—thereby making us more likely to respond compassionately when we encounter someone in need.
Evidence That It Works
Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., Gillath, O., & Nitzberg, R. A. (2005). Attachment, caregiving, and altruism: Boosting attachment security increases compassion and helping. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389.
Some study participants reflected on a supportive relationship by engaging in this writing exercise; other participants thought about an acquaintance or a professional relationship. Immediately afterwards, the people who reflected on the supportive relationship reported greater compassion for--and willingness to help--a person in distress.
The Feeling Supported practice invites you to call to mind your closest supporters, who form a crucial part of your social network. How strong are your social connections, online and off? Take the Social Capital quiz to find out.
Comments
and Reviews
Jennifer
This is a fluke, but my high levels of reported happiness, satisfaction---even forgiveness was on there---could also be due to the coincidence that I completed this during a week of great celebration and week-long social and spiritual events among some traditions of Catholicism (including my own). I'm not saying this exercise did me any harm. In fact, I quite enjoyed it. But I don't think it can take MORE credit than a week of offline socializing, celebration, and worship. The check-ins should really include a question to the effect of any other significant variables that might have affected the person's happiness during the week of that exercise. That would account more specifically for external variables. (On the flip side, if I just lost my job or my dog just died, my gloomier outlook on life is almost certainly more attributable to external life events.) I know this CAN be done with a simple confidence interval. We're all going to have good and bad variables throughout the course of this, and probably not at a statistically significant proportion of our participation. But with one simple question added to the check-in, you could know for sure and consider adjusting the weekly score accordingly to get a better sense of the real effects of each exercise during an "average" week.
Veronica Lacerda
Jeanette Offerdahl
I feel I have a good support system and several people I can turn to. This practice helped me see that. I was hosting a large group feeling stressed and talked to my daughter. I didn't feel supported by my husband but mentally when becoming in engaged an activity he's on a different time frame.
Del
Pretty good, I guess. i went fishing and was skunked. Then i realized I should have taken a rod. Next time (March / 2025) I am going to have the whole outfit. Meanwhile I have re connected with a very old Friend. We go baaaack. we get together once or twice every year. So, I am satisfied with this part of the program so far.
Amy A. Vigil
Brian Arthur Roden
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.