Time Required
At least 10 minutes. Try to make time for this practice at least once per week.
How to Do It
Find a quiet place where you can talk with a conversation partner without interruption or distraction. Invite this person to share what’s on their mind. As they do so, try to follow the steps below. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more you do cover, the more effective this practice is likely to be.
- Paraphrase. Once the other person has finished expressing a thought, try to paraphrase what they said to make sure you understand and to show that you are paying attention. Helpful ways to paraphrase include “What I hear you saying is…,” “It sounds like…,” and “If I understand you right….”
- Ask questions. When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings. Try to avoid jumping to conclusions about what the other person means. Instead, ask questions to clarify their meaning, such as, “When you say_____, do you mean_____?”
- Express empathy. If the other person voices negative feelings, strive to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why they feel that way, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself were you in that person's position. You might respond, “I can sense that you’re feeling frustrated,” and even “I can understand how that situation could cause frustration.”
- Use engaged body language. You can show that you are engaged and interested by making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, and maintaining an open and relaxed body posture. Try to avoid attending to distractions in your environment or checking your phone. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might communicate disapproval or disgust.
- Avoid judgment. Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Try not to interrupt with counter-arguments or mentally prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking.
- Avoid giving advice. Problem-solving is likely to be more effective after both conversation partners understand one another’s perspective and feel heard. Moving too quickly into advice-giving can be counterproductive.
- Take turns. After the other person has had a chance to speak and you have engaged in the active listening steps above, ask if it’s okay for you to share your perspective. When sharing your perspective, express yourself as clearly as possible using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help out around the house.”). It may also be helpful, when relevant, to express empathy for the other person’s perspective (e.g., “I know you’ve been very busy lately and don’t mean to leave me hanging.”).
Why You Should Try It
Often we’ll listen to a conversation partner without really hearing them. In the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person—and even risk making them feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful.
This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and make them feel heard—a way to foster empathy and connection. This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a romantic partner) and for expressing support. It may also help facilitate constructive conversations across political, cultural, or other differences; however, studies have found that, when there's a power imbalance between people of different groups, it's more important for the person with less social power to give their perspective while the person with more social power listens and tries to take their perspective. Research suggests that using this technique can help others feel more understood and improve relationship satisfaction.
Why It Works
Active listening helps listeners better understand others’ perspectives and helps speakers feel more understood and less threatened. This technique can prevent miscommunication and spare hurt feelings on both sides. By improving communication and preventing arguments from escalating, active listening can make relationships more enduring and satisfying. Practicing active listening with someone close to you can also help you listen better when interacting with other people in your life, such as friends or co-workers.
Evidence That It Works
Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31.
A group of mostly young, white, female college students had brief conversations (about their biggest disappointment with their university) with someone trained to engage in Active Listening, someone who gave them advice, or someone who gave simple acknowledgments of their point of view. People who received Active Listening reported feeling more understood at the end of the conversation.
Bruneau, E. G., & Saxe, R. (2012). The power of being heard: The benefits of ‘perspective-giving’ in the context of intergroup conflict. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 48(4), 855-866.
One study paired Mexican immigrants with white Americans, while another paired Israelis with Palestinians. In both studies, each member of the pair was asked to share their perspectives on the difficulties of life in their society, and to take the perspective of the other person when they were sharing their views. This dialogue significantly improved participants’ attitudes toward the other group—for instance, they felt greater empathy for their suffering, trusted their intentions more, and felt more warmly toward the group as a whole. However, for members of the pair with less social power (Mexican immigrants and Palestinians), attitudes toward the other group improved more after they gave their perspective than after they took the other person’s perspective.
Who Has Tried The Practice?
Additional research has engaged members of other groups:
- Straight couples in Switzerland who practiced Active Listening for 16 minutes felt more satisfied with their relationships and used healthier coping behaviors during their conversations.
- Japanese office workers with supervisors who used Active Listening felt less stressed, more supported, and more in control at work than workers with supervisors who did not use the practice as often. However, Active Listening benefitted younger males more than their older or female coworkers.
- Incarcerated adolescents in San Francisco who practiced Active Listening as part of a 10-week mindfulness program felt less stressed and improved in self-regulating their emotions.
More research is needed to explore whether, and how, the impact of this practice extends to other groups and cultures.
Keep in Mind
For people with less social power, it is sometimes more important and beneficial to share your perspective than to listen to people with more power. In a study that examined discussions between pairs of ethnic minority people and white people, white partners benefitted more from empathic listening than their minority counterparts. No matter the ethnicity of their partner, white partners improved in their ability to focus, while partners of color worsened in their ability to focus and Black partners reported feelings of disempowerment, when listening.
Sources
Instructions adapted from: Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.
References
Himelstein, S., Hastings, A., Shapiro, S., & Heery, M. (2012). Mindfulness training for self-regulation and stress with incarcerated youth: A pilot study. Probation Journal, 59(2), 151–165.
Kuhn, R., Bradbury, T. N., Nussbeck, F. W., & Bodenmann, G. (2018). The power of listening: Lending an ear to the partner during dyadic coping conversations. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6), 762–772.
Mineyama, S., Tsutsumi, A., Takao, S., Nishiuchi, K., & Kawakami, N. (2007). Supervisors' attitudes and skills for active listening with regard to working conditions and psychological stress reactions among subordinate workers. Journal of Occupational Health, 49(2), 81–87.
Vorauer, J. D., & Quesnel, M. S. (2018). Empathy by dominant versus minority group members in intergroup interaction: Do dominant group members always come out on top? Group Processes & Intergroup Relations, 21(4), 549–567.
Quick Description
Active Listening involves approaching a conversation with a genuine desire to understand the other person’s feelings and perspective, without judgment or defensiveness. When you engage in Active Listening, you tune into what your conversation partner is communicating with their words and body language. How well do you feel and understand what others are feeling? Take the Empathy quiz to find out.
Comments
and Reviews
Maria Julia Lopez-Hurtado
Very touching. Listening and opening the heart to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Para phrasing and sometimes asking her to clarify something was a way of also making her go beyond the surface; hence helping her find the answers she needed.
Maria Julia Lopez-Hurtado
Very touching. Listening and opening the heart to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Para phrasing and sometimes asking her to clarify something was a way of also making her go beyond the surface; hence helping her find the answers she needed.
Melinda Wang
Elizabeth and I had some heart to heart talks about family issues. I was able to para phrase and empathize. I also gave signs of affirmation. To use the guides given to me, it reminded me of the time I was doing Psych nursing at the VA and we used the techniques. It was the most uncomfortable part of my training due to the client base. I feel I listen well and hear people, but the back and forth talk was very difficult and forced.
Sudhir Chhatbar
Quite positive. Active listening is a powerful tool and requires great deal of self control (not to interrupt) and freedom from passing judgement on the situation or any person.
Catherine E Jackson
I watched myself really slow down and listen. I was not apt to interrupt as much as I think I would have without this practice in mind. The other person responded positively to my comments that indicated that I was listening.
Leanne Wollerman
Active listening allows for a closer connection which is satisfying and brings joy to all involved.
Linda Block
I had two opportunities (long car drives 😊 ) with a close friend and was able to be present/in the moment w/out distractions to practice just listening. It was interesting to do this in a "non-work" setting or informal setting --- It initially took more conscious self-reminders not to be planning a response, or finding a connection ... and just listen and paraphrase.
Linda Stern
Hard to remember to do it!
Linda Stern
Hard to remember to do it!
Susan Fowler
My ratings are going down each time I'm asked to rate the component I've already completed. Maybe someday I'll progress to the 2nd step -- or die a lonely, bitter old woman.
Jerilynn Maki
I enjoy participating. Unfortunately although I submitted my review, and it’s indicated as ‘complete’, I keep getting texts telling me to complete my review before I can access the next task. Very frustrating.
Greta Lea Berghouse
I try to always do mindful listening with learners and colleagues as well as family members.
Darcy Dufresne
Well, I keep getting notifications that I need to practice it, even though I did it and submitted a reflection on it. I cannot seem to get to the next practice, even after the week is up.
Kristin Martin
As an ND, I know that I need to concentrate when a loved person speaks to me. It's an important part of my relationships, and something I practice daily. However, despite doing that practice, and repeatedly writing entries, I cannot move on to the next practice.
Rosanne Petersen
We get so comfortable with our loved ones sharing our views because we know that they support us. It was so helpful to have options to respond to them when they just need to talk it through. By trying to help fix situations, I don't actually hear very well. I want to understand better their perspective.
Beth Shafer
It took more effort than I thought, to not jump into someone speaking. It took a few tries- when I actively listened everyone had a more inclusive and meaningful experience
Beth Shafer
It took more effort than I thought, to not jump into someone speaking. It took a few tries- when I actively listened everyone had a more inclusive and meaningful experience
Kristiina Heptig
I am very easily distracted; keeping my ear on the conversation can be difficult , especially when my mind wants to wander off to one or three rabbit holes. Active listening really requires mindfulness. I’m working on that.
Pam Laughlin
I found that when an opportunity existed I would forget the instructions for active listening. This morning I was able to do a pretty good job with my husband. I think it may have helped both of us feel a bit closer.
Cynthia Smith
Loved it! I know this skill but this reminded me no allowed me the opportunity to practice it.
Sabrivia Harrison
good
Jesus Maria Mata
Normally I listen to people, I help them investigate what they are experiencing, how they feel, what their feelings are, etc.
Jesus Maria Mata
Normally I listen to people, I help them investigate what they are experiencing, how they feel, what their feelings are, etc.
Ramona Gaye Burnett
Became a better listener.
Ren Tashiro
Good reminder!
Campbell Wood
Great practice for me! Breakthrough.
sara
no stars this week
Arleene W Sherwood
good
Robert McDowall
Went really well. Took the list on a small card to visit old man in palliative care. Found the card really helped to keep our conversation going around the subject of the end of his life.
Robert McDowall
Went really well. Took the list on a small card to visit old man in palliative care. Found the card really helped to keep our conversation going around the subject of the end of his life.
Swati Sarda
Working on it
Jan Miller
Not difficult but required awareness and it seemed like a bit of distancing to remember the guidelines.
Laure Blanc
Very interesting. It helped me be in the present moment.
Laure Blanc
Very interesting. It helped me be in the present moment.
r.samra@mail.com
Annoying
Romala Radcliffe
Great experience.
Romala Radcliffe
Great practice.
Theresa M. Schuman
It is something I normally do so I tried listening more deeply
Jaap D Troost
It was quite hard. I know that I am quite quick with my reaction to a situation or a question. In other words, I fill in quickly unspoken meanings. But I am more aware of this and will keep on practicing.
Abdulla alhammadi
I loved it!!
Theresa M. Schuman
It is something I normally do so I tried listening more deeply
Misty Easton-Kunz
I felt like I heard and understood what the other person was telling me and I actually felt like I didn't have to 'fix' any of the problems he was discussing.
Tej D
Felt connected with the other person.
Romala Radcliffe
Great.
Romala Radcliffe
It was difficult not to suggest solutions.
Campbell Wood
This was breakthrough for me. I thought I had already broken through. Reading and study of Polyvagal Theory and therapy models derived from that, I had come to realize that I've lacked capacity for connection based on childhood experience. I've been working on that, and thought I had become a better listener than I really was. This exercise showed me and my mate how much more I can be present. I'm grateful for that. I think, though, that my new understandings from the Polyvagal theory had me right ready for this. I'm grateful to be making growth!
Nataliya Popova
I am satisfied.
Stanley Haig Boghosian
Pretty good with Don. Mixed with Bruce
Stanley Haig Boghosian
Pretty good with Don. Mixed with Bruce.
David O. Oliver
It was refreshing to just deeply listen to my wife, and then my son. Since he moved out two weeks ago I speak deeply with my son more than when he was living with us.
geraldine barry
I struggle against going into advice-giving mode and just listen
Jeni McGurk
Have used this method previously. Good to purposefully practice over the week and a reminder to bring back into use
antonio cancian
I was able to speak freely and listen to the family member in a detached but empathetic way
Amanda Rogers
I learnt this process when I did counselling training many years ago, bu it’s good to refresh it.
Christine Ducourant
This was quite simple and I had nice exchanges with friends.
Theresa M. Schuman
It’s something that I do naturally except for the advice part.
Joanne Shea
It's hard to stay focused and not find my mind wonder. Also, I like to give advice.
Romala Radcliffe
Interesting to just listen and not offer solutions.
Mireya Rodriguez Penagos
For me, it was difficult. I don´t know if I can do all the steps whenever I talk with other person, but I have to try it, I realized I need to improve my capaciity to listen. Is imperative!
Mireya Rodriguez Penagos
For me, it was difficult. I don´t know if I can do all the steps whenever I talk with other person, but I have to try it, I realized I need to improve my capaciity to listen. Is imperative!
Mireya Rodriguez Penagos
For me, it was difficult. I don´t know if I can do all the steps whenever I talk with other person, but I have to try it, I realized I need to improve my capaciity to listen. Is imperative!
Mireya Rodriguez Penagos
For me, it was difficult. I realize that I am a person that do not listen to everybody. I am very selective to listen to people and sometimes it includes people very important to me like my husband or my family and I miss knowing very important aspects to people personality or wisdom.
Regina Harper
Rewarding. Will try to practice this in the future- knowing it is something I will need to work on.
Sofia F
I enjoyed it. I should listen more carefully and avoid judgement.
Hadbaa Elfatemi
I am conscious that I judge when i am listening. So i have to work on it.
Vladimir Augusto Fajardo Rojas
The silence is the key. And the total focus on what the other person is telling us...like watching a good movie
Jeff westlake
Good. I'm a good listener and questioner
Jeff westlake
Good. I'm a good listener and also questioner.
Faustine Gebhart
I benefited from practicing not jumping to judgment or looking at a situation in terms of how I would react and pushing it on another person.
Faustine Gebhart
I benefited from practicing not jumping to judgment or looking at a situation in terms of how I would react and pushing it on another person.
Aidan O Connor
really listen to my wife when she comes home tomorrow and I will refrain from jumping in too quickly and be particularly aware of my body language
Andrew Veal
The materials provided are excellent - I will practise this in other contexts and use the advice which is clear, simple and practical
Gordon Chaffee
The week became very busy as we had a flood and a friend had to move. I met his wife during the move and was able to listen actively to her. I learned a lot and found that even though I might disagree with some of my friend's and his wife's thoughts, they are great people and I am lucky to know them.
Naomi Dessauer
It was a really good reminder! I do this in my work all the time, but at home I am often not completely present. I did it with my husband and was able to have a more indepth conversation.
Carol Lezak
Good
Elizabeth Weiss Ozorak
Pro: I've known my mom so long that I usually go into conversations with her making a lot of assumptions. It was helpful to back off from those and ask more questions. Con: The paraphrasing felt awkward and phony. Personally, I hate it when people say, "I hear you saying X," when I have just said X. I have to bite my tongue not to respond, "Duh!" It didn't seem to be adding anything, so I stopped doing it quickly.
Elizabeth Weiss Ozorak
Pro: I've known my mom so long that I usually go into conversations with her making a lot of assumptions. It was helpful to back off from those and ask more questions. Con: The paraphrasing felt awkward and phony. Personally, I hate it when people say, "I hear you saying X," when I have just said X. I have to bite my tongue not to respond, "Duh!" It didn't seem to be adding anything, so I stopped doing it quickly.
Diane Akers
Difficult. The paraphrasing doesn't seem natural.
Michelle Williams
It was interested
Patrick R Cuff
I work with clinic patients so i practice active listening all the time.
Nicola James
I do try to practice Active Listening. Always helps to listen to what the other person is saying (as well as what their body language is telling me) rather than me assuming that they are saying something that I want to hear or not getting the whole message as I am thinking of something else while they are speaking to me. I get frustrated when I am talking to someone and they are texting at the same time. I tell them that I will speak later when they have time. They usually take the hint and put their phone away.
Linda K Brown
As an Executive Coach, I use active listening in my practice and in my personal life. It is an important way to build trust and enhance relationships.
Megan Kemmis
I've done active listening before, so it wasn't a totally new experience for me. It went well, and it's something I'm going to do more often in 2022 with my team members in particular.
Suzanne Whitten
Not able to do it. Move on!
Srinivasan Lakshmi Narasimhan
Started well; waiting to develop it further.
Vicki Lant
Practice very clearly described here; familiar to me and invaluable when in very challenging conversations. Good to be reminded to breathe; be in the space collaboratively & really listen.
Vicki Lant
Practice very clearly described here; familiar to me and invaluable when in very challenging conversations. Good to be reminded to breathe; be in the space collaboratively & really listen.
Khashina Warren
I love the simple steps that are laid out. I read them over and over so that every time I had a conversation I was reminded of the steps that I should be practicing while listening.
Adrienne St John
I found active listening became easier the more I did it. Also, I tend to be busy and a little impatient, so I recognize that I have to put all things on hold in order to do active listening.
Adrienne St John
I have a hard time setting aside a certain time for Active Listening. Today I spoke to my BFF and listened as she talked about her present life. I called my sister-in-law today. She has liver cancer and she needs friends to just listen to her. I had a 45 minute conversation with her. My neighbor dropped off a present for me. We had about 15 minutes when I could be an active listener about her vacation plans.
Ivonne Velez
Very hard for me because my conversation was with my daughter. My expectation for her was very different as she conduct her life. One thing we are agree we want her happiness.
S Joy Cardyn
Being present with another person and truly giving my full attention is absolutely the best way to nurture relationships.
S Joy Cardyn
Being present with another person and truly giving my full attention is absolutely the best way to nurture relationships.
Susan Ann Rapport
Positive, leads to brainstorming the problem. And helping me understand my friends situation so I can help, with real assistance.
Carol Grins
Interesting. - I hadn't done this in such a self-reflecting way since I learned the skills in my diploma of welfare classes a decade ago. It is great to revisit this and consider what I could do better.
Cyndy Rineer
It sometimes is tough to listen closely and actively to people when there are other things happening around you or million other things to do. Really need open mind and time to active listen well
Gabriela Díaz de León Ocaña
I haven't had the oportunity to practice Active Listening in a argument or difficult conversation. Instead I did it fully listening to my kid when he was showing excitement a bout a particular issue. I tried to paraphrase, asked him questions about feelings, I tried no to give him advise. I saw him very happy as I showed him my genuine interest in just talking (instead of beeing always a corrective mother). I felt him more open to express his feeling and happy he was been listened without judgments. It was nice to feel I made him feel comfortable. I"ll be observing if there is a chance to do this practice in a diferente circumstance.
Michele Tompkins
This was an excellent reminder to NOT give advice or solutions - That's where I struggle the most. Being conscious of this habit helps me to hold back and really think before I speak. In my daily work role, people always tended to come to me for 'solutions' so I can easily get stuck in that mode.
Sam Lim
very helpful.
Trina moore
It was very fun to try. And I enjoyed it
Trina moore
I was more I tune with what they were saying.
Trina moore
I was more I tune with what they were saying.
Jeanne Langenberg
The original instructions would have been fine any time except during the covid epidemic. I wouldn't do this face-to-face until both of us were fully vaccinated. I am, however, involved in a number of Zoom groups with between three and eight participants. There is time during each of these groups to share something each is thankful for and to ask for prayers for someone or something about which each is concerned. Each person has the floor without interruption until all have spoken, and any responses are supportive, but saved until each has had a chance to talk. It is a part of each meeting that all members find rewarding.
Dana Malick
So good to be actively looking for opportunities to listen to others. It’s nice to give myself permission to listen and not be problem solving.
Gloria M Webster
This will need practice. When you/we are not brought up to do that. glo t
Jack Love
This is a helpful guide, thank you. I am gathering things like this with an eye toward helping parents, especially fathers, to deepen or repair their relationships with their children by increasing empathy skills. Thanks for all your work, your site is an excellent resource.
Siti Hajar B. Abdullah-Anjong
Appreciate the work you do, this is an excellent primer on active listening. However, for true happiness and to lead a meaningful life, we should always start with cultivating inner self-worth not reliant on a "judgmental higher power" - and then with clearly defining the boundaries of your core principles. This is a crucial first step.
Catherine Hubert
I feel like I do this everyday in my work and when seeing students. Sometimes it is difficult to not jump in before the speaker is done, practice, practice, practice
Carolyn Ellison
It went well!
กิตติศักดิ์ นารีรักษ์
Thank you so much
Debi Doyle
As a counselor this is my job, to be an active listener. But I must say a great reminder as a friend to also be an active listener and to listen with intent.
{name}
This was a phone conversation that was Interesting and instructive with a person who tends to be very self involved. By giving her my full attention she hung up in a good mood and I learned something.
Marisa O
It was difficult at first, but then was better and i felt calm and proud.
Christine Miller
It was difficult with my daughter, because I disagreed with her analysis of the situation. However, without me adding my two cents she continued to discuss the issue deeper. Which was a benefit.
Anne-Marie Schwerin
Good. I used it during my Lenten reading discussion with a friend. Made a good thing even better.
ochronus
Great points, but I think it's only scratching the surface. A non-judgmental, open and curious attitude is key, but it's hard to practice - the rest is 'easy'. I've put down my thoughts about active listening as well: https://ochronus.online/active-listening-boosts-careers/
Beatrice Canales
where is the empathy quiz?
Andy Houghton
Hi. We made a video about Effective/Active Listening and thought you and your readers might find it interesting https://youtu.be/Xl4RuPAIE_E The sections are 'time linked' in the description so that you can jump to them easily.
Chan So Ei
Good
Ron Ly
I have been trying to "Listen deep" This give me concret steps to practice active listening
eve-everywhere
Doesn't work much for me. I am too much focused on the process, the steps. Not natural. My best way of listening is to open my heart and my mind. Be completely devoted to that person in front of me. Funny thing, a psychologist tried to do active listening with me on the phone one day I was only looking for some information and I got so mad! I think that when you know that method, you notice immediately when someone is using it and it does not feel sincere.
Phil
There's a step missing here... my wife and I have been trying this for years with only partial success, and only just realised why recently. You have to talk about feelings! We too often got caught up in 'you did, I did' discussions, which derailed everything , we went round in frustrating circles. Finally I have realised I need to ask, 'yes, but when I did that how did you FEEL about it?' Then sharing happens and trust and closeness builds.
Expat returned
When you have a crush on somebody all of these come naturally when listening to that person 😊 (well, or you just "like", you don't have to have a crush)
Shelly Dvorak
I think it's interesting to separate what I'm capable of (in regard to empathy) and what I regularly practice. I am capable of great empathy and can very easily tap into and understand the emotions of others. Yet, I regularly forget (or fail) to leverage my skill when I am feeling upset or frustrated. It's beneficial for me to consider the gap between what regularly "is" in my consciousness, and what "could be," based upon my natural talent in this area. Looking at that gap gives me confidence that I could improve happiness and contentedness for myself and others regularly, just through mindfully practicing the skills I already possess (rather than allowing my emotions to cause a lock-down on my empathic system).
Jason Marsh
Thank you for your comment, Aaron. It's always enormously helpful to hear how people are putting our materials into practice.
Aaron Cooper PhD
As a marriage counselor, I'm coaching clients all the time on the skill of Active Listening. Your module is a really great aide for me, and already clients of mine have reported on its helpfulness. Thank you for providing this wonderful website.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.