Time Required
This letter can be as short or as long as you want. Writing freely for 10 to 20 minutes could be a good place to start.
How to Do It
This practice invites you to write a letter expressing forgiveness. Who you forgive and what forgiveness means in this circumstance are entirely up to you.
First, bring to mind a time someone harmed or offended you that you still feel hurt or angry about. Reflect on what happened, what your relationship with this person is, and what they did to you.
Next, write a forgiveness letter to them. As much as you are able, use this letter to release your resentment and difficult emotions toward them and let go of any desire to see them hurt. If you feel called to, you might even express positivity, benevolence, or goodwill toward them. No matter what, be honest in how you’re feeling, whether you’re at a place of forgiveness or not.
The point is not to let them off the hook (or to even give them the letter), but to directly address what happened. Some details you might want to include are:
- How they hurt you
- Why they might have acted that way
- Whether you’ve ever done something similar
- The distinction between the wrong they did and who they are as a person
- What you want from the relationship in the future
- What it would take for you to move forward, heal, or trust them again
Although you could give the person your letter, it is not necessary to experience the benefits of this practice. You can still write a letter to someone who passed away, or with whom you no longer have a relationship.
Why You Should Try It
When other people hurt us, these experiences sometimes go unresolved. That means that we are hanging on to lingering anger and pain from the past. Being harmed—insulted, cheated on, or treated unfairly, for example—can also disrupt our sense of connection and belonging with other humans.
One way we might choose to respond to harm is forgiveness, a process of releasing feelings of resentment or vengeance.
Practicing forgiveness has the potential to ease our pain and disconnection. Research finds that forgiveness practices and therapies can help reduce our stress, anger, and hurt and improve our mental and physical health. Writing a forgiveness letter, in particular, can help restore our sense of belonging and interconnectedness with humanity in general.
Why It Works
Many religions and cultures endorse forgiveness as a moral action. One of the reasons forgiveness letters may be beneficial is that people feel like they are acting in accordance with their values when they write them.
Putting our thoughts and feelings down on paper may also help us make sense of what happened, why it happened, and how it has impacted our lives and our view of ourselves.
Of course, forgiveness is often an involved and lengthy process. Simply writing a letter may not be enough to generate true and lasting forgiveness, or all of its benefits. But it can be an important step toward forgiveness and one part of your forgiveness journey.
Evidence That It Works
Schumann K, & Walton G. M. (2022). Rehumanizing the self after victimization: The roles of forgiveness versus revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3): 469–492.
Researchers asked 446 people to write forgiveness or revenge letters to someone who had harmed them. Compared to revenge letters, participants felt that writing a forgiveness letter was more aligned with their moral values. They felt more human, saw morality as more central to their identity, and felt a greater sense of belonging to the human community.
Sources
When someone hurts you, are you more likely to turn the other cheek—or seek revenge? Take our quiz to find out.
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The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.