Time Required
15 minutes, several times a year for the formal practice. You can use perspective-taking skills whenever conflict arises with your partner.
How to Do It
It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own heads when we argue with our partners. This exercise will help you gain some perspective on your feelings during conflict.
Think about a major disagreement you had with your partner in the past four months, and how much distress it’s still causing you. Then, follow these steps:
- Think about this disagreement with your partner from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved, a person who sees things from a neutral point of view. How might this person think about the disagreement? How would they view your partner’s behaviors and perspective? How might they find the good that could come from it? (5 minutes)
- Some people find it helpful to take this third-party perspective during their interactions with their romantic partner. However, almost everybody finds it challenging to take this third-party perspective at all times. In your relationship with your partner, what obstacles do you face in trying to take this third-party perspective, especially when you’re having a disagreement? What might help you overcome them? For example, if you find yourself getting caught up in the heat of the moment, it might help to pause and take a deep breath. (5 minutes)
- Despite the obstacles to taking a third-party perspective, people can be successful in doing so. Over the next four months, try your best to take this third-party perspective during interactions with your partner, especially during disagreements. How might you be most successful in taking this perspective in your interactions with your partner over the next four months? How might taking this perspective help you make the best of disagreements in your relationship? (5 minutes)
Allow these reflections to inform your interactions with your partner over the coming months.
Why You Should Try It
Fighting and arguing can introduce a lot of negativity into romantic relationships, as one person’s criticisms and accusations may be met with defensiveness and angry retaliation. The quality of the relationship may decline, which can harm mental and physical health.
During arguments, some of our emotional pain comes from the evaluations we make about our partner’s behaviors and intentions—but these evaluations aren’t always correct. The technique of “emotional reappraisal” can help us reinterpret emotionally charged events in more accurate, positive, and constructive ways. For example, we might feel that a partner who cancels dinner repeatedly doesn’t respect us, but remind ourselves that he’s overburdened at work now and shows care and respect in other ways.
Of course, we don’t want to use this practice to excuse or rationalize unacceptable behavior. But in the context of a generally healthy partnership, it can help lessen negative feelings, build connection and empathy, and ultimately improve the relationship.
Why It Works
When we experience conflict with others, we typically take a first-person perspective, concerned with our own thoughts, feelings, and values. This practice invites us to adopt a third-person perspective, the perspective of an observer who sees both partners’ points of view and wants to achieve the best resolution for everyone.
When we do this, research suggests, we also reduce the anger and distress that we’re feeling. Rather than responding out of indignation or pain, we can act from the desire to see our partners—and ourselves—be happy and connected.
Reflecting in advance about how to implement these strategies, and what obstacles we might encounter, makes us more likely to succeed.
Evidence That It Works
Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24(8), 1595-601.
A group of heterosexual married couples practiced Gaining Perspective on an Argument every four months for a year. In the year before the experiment, they had reported a decline in marital quality—their sense of satisfaction, love, intimacy, trust, passion, and commitment in their relationship. But as soon as they began practicing, that decline stopped (while declines continued in a control group who didn’t do the practice). These benefits were partly accounted for by the reduced distress they felt around conflict.
Sources
Eli J. Finkel, Northwestern University
Do you love your partner compassionately? Take our Compassionate Love quiz to find out:
Comments
and Reviews
Linda Horan
Fighting to restore love and peace in my relationship was incredibly frustrating—until I came across a video of a woman sharing her testimony about how her marriage was restored. It gave me hope for something I never thought was possible. Now, my partner and I are happily reunited, living in love and harmony. I’m truly grateful to Mandla for the help he gave me and my family. If you're struggling in your marriage or relationship, don’t give up—there’s still hope. You can reach out:( supremacylovespell01 @ gmail. com).
Keyshia cole
I'm thrilled to share my positive experience with Data Forensics Cyber Services, who successfully helped me recover my digital currency from scammers. If you're a victim of cryptocurrency scams, I highly recommend reaching out to Data Forensics Recovery Cyber Services. Their expertise and assistance can be invaluable in recovering your lost assets. Let's spread awareness about these scams and support those affected. Kudos to Data Forensics Recovery Cyber Services for their exceptional work!" you can reach them via Email:DataForensicscyberservices@protonmail.com WhatsApp:+1(315)612-1269 Website:https://www.data-forensics.de/ Please share this information ,lets put a stop to scammers. God bless you as you do so.
UnityDr64310
Honestly, this Love spell caster made me feel a lot better. My marriage was restored and my husband came back to me he apologized for all the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. A big thanks to this wonderful psychic for bringing my husband back to me.. I never really believed in magic spells or anything spiritual but a trusted friend opened my eyes to the truth about life. My marriage was heading to divorce a few months ago. I was so confused and devastated with no clue or help on how to prevent it, till I was introduced to Dr. Excellent that did a love spell and broke every spiritual distraction from my marriage. A day later my husband started showing me love and care even better than it used to be, he’s ready to talk things through and find ways for us to stay happy. It’s such a miracle that my marriage can be saved so quickly without stress. You can also contact him for help. Here his contact. Call/WhatsApp him at: +2348084273514 "Or email him at: Excellentspellcaster@gmail.com , His website:https://drexcellentspellcaster.godaddysites.com
Kim
SPEAK WITH A LICENSED CYPTO RECOVERY HACKER EXPERT, ALPHAI KEY I've read a lot of reviews about recovery hackers online and have fallen victim to them twice, but Alpha Key has been amazing and has left me speechless for a while. All I can say is that I'm really grateful that they saved me from some coin base brokers who had forced me to invest over $98.779 in bitcoin. To put it briefly, Alpha Key has shown me that there are still genuine recovery hackers out there, so you should all get in touch with Alpha Key Recovery right away. Email:service@alphakeyrecovery.com Email: Alphakey@consltant.com WhatsApp: +15714122170 Telegram: Alphakeyhacker Signal: +18622823879 Website :www.alphakeyrecovery.com
Stacy Lynn Sager
Cheryl Allen
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.