Avoiding The “Four Horsemen” in Relationships

Why You Should Try It

All couples experience conflict, but researchers have found that how partners deal with this conflict has major implications for the longevity of their relationship. In particular, leading couples researcher John Gottman and his colleagues have identified four specific behaviors, which they call the “four horsemen of the apocalypse, “ that spell doom for couples.

To help you guard against these “four horsemen,” this exercise teaches you to recognize them and consider more constructive alternatives. Understanding the signs of these toxic behaviors is a vital step toward avoiding them and having a healthier response to conflict. 

Why It Works

Most couples experience conflict in their relationship from time to time, and although occasional conflict is not necessarily harmful to a relationship (some research suggests it can even be helpful), conflict can sometimes elicit destructive behaviors that undermine relationship satisfaction. Identifying destructive behaviors is an important first step toward reducing them and replacing them with more constructive behaviors, which can in turn improve communication and increase satisfaction. This process takes time and practice, and in some cases couples may benefit from seeking the support of a relationship counselor

Evidence That It Works

Carrere, S., Buehlman, K.T., Coan, J.A., Gottman, J.M., Coan, J.A., and Ruckstuhl, L., (2000). Predicting Marital Stability and Divorce in Newlywed Couples, Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58.

A study of 95 newlywed heterosexual couples (mostly white) found that how they handled conflict in a single, brief interaction, recorded in a laboratory, predicted the stability of their relationship four to six years later with 87.5% accuracy, and seven to nine years later with 81% accuracy. Couples who displayed the Four Horsemen behaviors were significantly more likely to have broken up.

Who Has Tried the Practice?

Additional research has engaged people from other groups and cultures:

• Cohabitating gay and lesbian couples in the San Francisco Bay Area who showed greater contempt and defensiveness in discussions together were less satisfied with their relationships.
• White Americans, African Americans, and Latino Americans who reported greater use of Four Horsemen behaviors had a higher risk of divorce, lower relationship quality, and lower relationship satisfaction.
• Couples in Hong Kong who reported more engagement in the Four Horsemen tended to be more dissatisfied in their relationships.
• Chinese married couples who frequently displayed defensiveness, stonewalling, and verbal aggression reported lower marital quality, less positive emotion, and more negative emotion than collaborative couples who displayed less destructive communication.
• Brazilian heterosexual couples who said they generally avoided the Four Horsemen reported high-quality relationships, while couples who frequently engaged in the Four Horsemen reported low-quality relationships.
• Among Black and Latino adolescents in urban high schools—many of whom were pregnant, parenting, or in foster care—those who reported greater engagement in Four Horsemen behaviors showed higher rates of dating violence.

Gottman Method couples therapy, a program developed by John Gottman that aims to improve relationship quality, teaches people how to avoid the Four Horsemen. It has shown benefits for various groups:

• Gay and lesbian couples in San Francisco with relationship problems became more satisfied with their relationships after attending 11 sessions of Gottman Method couples therapy.
• Iranian couples who participated in eight or ten sessions of Gottman Method couples therapy decreased in emotional divorce (“checking out” from a relationship), improved in marital quality, and reported more intimacy.

More research is needed to explore whether, and how, the impact of this practice extends to other groups and cultures.

Keep in Mind

• Stonewalling may be the most harmful of the Four Horsemen to relationship satisfaction, regardless of your race or gender. Males may be at higher risk for this behavior, according to surveys.
• Avoiding the Four Horsemen may be especially beneficial when couples are dealing with financial difficulty. Among mostly white, heterosexual married couples, financial stress seemed to hurt marital quality more for couples who frequently engaged in the Four Horsemen, rather than alternative, healthier communication behaviors (such as Active Listening).
• Latino and Caucasian heterosexual couples who exhibited the Four Horsemen were more likely to experience relationship instability and violence. But unlike in Caucasian couples, Latino men who showed more defensiveness and Latina women who were more critical did not show lower empathy in their relationships.

Couples who deal with certain mental health issues may be more at risk for engaging in the Four Horsemen:

• Heterosexual undergraduate couples engaged in more frequent Four Horsemen behaviors during conversations in a lab when one partner had a certain type of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder—a disorder marked by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
• People in heterosexual and homosexual relationships with high levels of borderline personality disorder (BPD)—a disorder marked by unstable relationships, self-image, and emotions—criticized more than those with low levels of BPD, while their partners defended and stonewalled more often.
• Heterosexual couples in which at least one partner survived childhood sexual abuse reported more contempt and defensiveness than couples with no history of childhood sexual abuse, especially when the male partner had experienced it.
• Deployed military personnel with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder showed more Four Horsemen behaviors in their marriages.

Sources

John Gottman, Ph.D., The Gottman Institute

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail… and How You Can Make Yours Last, by John Gottman, Ph.D.

References

Relationships that avoid the “four horsemen” are most likely to thrive. Do you have a healthy, trusting partnership? Take our Relationship Trust quiz to find out: