Time Required
20 minutes to read about the “four horsemen.” Then the amount of time to deploy a constructive strategy will depend on the nature of the conflict; the frequency will depend on how often you experience conflict in your relationship. One goal could be to try to use one of these positive strategies—or at least assess the quality of your conflict—once per month.
How to Do It
- Read the descriptions of the “four horsemen” below and consider whether you and/or your partner ever engage in any of these behaviors during conflicts.
- Read the descriptions of the constructive alternatives that can be used in place of the “four horsemen” and consider how you might put these behaviors into practice, if you have not already.
- The next time you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, make an active effort to avoid the “four horsemen” and engage in more constructive behaviors instead. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up—it can be challenging to stay focused during the heat of an argument, and these habits can take time to change.
- After the conflict, make a note of how things went. Did you or your partner engage in any of the “four horsemen” behaviors, and if so, did you catch yourself and try to take a different approach during the conflict? What went well, and what could you improve for next time?
- If/when you feel comfortable, you could invite your partner to participate with you in this practice.
The Four Horsemen
1. Criticism. Some forms of criticism are constructive, but in this case criticism refers to making negative judgments or proclamations about your partner in extreme, absolute terms. A sign that you may be engaging in this more harmful form of criticism is if you catch yourself using terms like “never” and always”—for example, “You never think about anyone but yourself!” or, “You are always so stubborn!”
Note that criticism itself is not necessarily a recipe for relationship failure—the problem with criticism is that excessive or extreme criticism can, over time, lead to the more destructive “horsemen.”
Constructive alternative: There’s nothing wrong with voicing concerns and complaints in a relationship, but try to do so in a way that focuses on your own feelings (and how your partner’s behavior affects you)—for instance, by making “I” statements, like “I feel lonely when you come home late for dinner”—and mentions specific negative behaviors rather than making global attacks on their entire personality (“I feel neglected when you make plans without me” rather than “You are so inconsiderate!”). See the Active Listening practice for more suggestions along these lines.
2. Contempt. Contempt is a more destructive form of criticism that involves treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, condescension, or ridicule. It may involve mean-spirited sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or name-calling. Contempt can grow over time when a person focuses on the qualities they dislike in their partner and builds up these qualities in their mind.
Constructive alternative: Instead of keeping score of all of your partner’s flaws, consider their positive qualities and the things you appreciate most about them. In fact, it may help to write a list of these qualities and return to it when you need a reminder.
3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness tends to arise when people feel criticized or attacked; it involves making excuses to avoid taking responsibility, or even deflecting blame onto your partner. If you hear yourself saying “I didn’t do anything wrong,” or blaming your partner for something else after they have leveled a complaint against you, ask yourself whether this is really the case. Even if your partner made some mistakes, that doesn’t free you from responsibility for things you could have done differently as well. The problem with defensiveness is that it communicates to your partner that you aren’t really listening to her or taking his concerns seriously. And by introducing new grievances, it can also exacerbate the conflict by making your partner feel attacked and defensive.
Constructive alternative: Take the time to hear your partner out and take responsibility when appropriate. A simple, genuine apology can go a long way.
4. Stonewalling. Stonewalling involves putting up a (metaphorical) wall between you and your partner by withdrawing, shutting down, and physically and emotionally distancing yourself from your partner. An example of stonewalling is to give your partner the “silent treatment” or to abruptly leave without telling your partner where you’re going. Stonewalling can sometimes result when the first three “horsemen” accumulate and become overwhelming. Stonewalling is especially destructive to relationships because it can make one’s partner feel abandoned and rejected.
Constructive alternative: If you need time out to take a few deep breaths and collect your thoughts, let your partner know, and then return to the conversation when you’re ready. This way, your partner will understand that you are taking care of yourself, not trying to reject him.
Why You Should Try It
All couples experience conflict, but researchers have found that how partners deal with this conflict has major implications for the longevity of their relationship. In particular, leading couples researcher John Gottman and his colleagues have identified four specific behaviors, which they call the “four horsemen of the apocalypse, “ that spell doom for couples.
To help you guard against these “four horsemen,” this exercise teaches you to recognize them and consider more constructive alternatives. Understanding the signs of these toxic behaviors is a vital step toward avoiding them and having a healthier response to conflict.
Why It Works
Most couples experience conflict in their relationship from time to time, and although occasional conflict is not necessarily harmful to a relationship (some research suggests it can even be helpful), conflict can sometimes elicit destructive behaviors that undermine relationship satisfaction. Identifying destructive behaviors is an important first step toward reducing them and replacing them with more constructive behaviors, which can in turn improve communication and increase satisfaction. This process takes time and practice, and in some cases couples may benefit from seeking the support of a relationship counselor
Evidence That It Works
Carrere, S., Buehlman, K.T., Coan, J.A., Gottman, J.M., Coan, J.A., and Ruckstuhl, L., (2000). Predicting Marital Stability and Divorce in Newlywed Couples, Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58.
A study of 95 newlywed heterosexual couples (mostly white) found that how they handled conflict in a single, brief interaction, recorded in a laboratory, predicted the stability of their relationship four to six years later with 87.5% accuracy, and seven to nine years later with 81% accuracy. Couples who displayed the Four Horsemen behaviors were significantly more likely to have broken up.
Who Has Tried the Practice?
Additional research has engaged people from other groups and cultures:
- Cohabitating gay and lesbian couples in the San Francisco Bay Area who showed greater contempt and defensiveness in discussions together were less satisfied with their relationships.
- White Americans, African Americans, and Latino Americans who reported greater use of Four Horsemen behaviors had a higher risk of divorce, lower relationship quality, and lower relationship satisfaction.
- Couples in Hong Kong who reported more engagement in the Four Horsemen tended to be more dissatisfied in their relationships.
- Chinese married couples who frequently displayed defensiveness, stonewalling, and verbal aggression reported lower marital quality, less positive emotion, and more negative emotion than collaborative couples who displayed less destructive communication.
- Brazilian heterosexual couples who said they generally avoided the Four Horsemen reported high-quality relationships, while couples who frequently engaged in the Four Horsemen reported low-quality relationships.
- Among Black and Latino adolescents in urban high schools—many of whom were pregnant, parenting, or in foster care—those who reported greater engagement in Four Horsemen behaviors showed higher rates of dating violence.
Gottman Method couples therapy, a program developed by John Gottman that aims to improve relationship quality, teaches people how to avoid the Four Horsemen. It has shown benefits for various groups:
- Gay and lesbian couples in San Francisco with relationship problems became more satisfied with their relationships after attending 11 sessions of Gottman Method couples therapy.
- Iranian couples who participated in eight or ten sessions of Gottman Method couples therapy decreased in emotional divorce (“checking out” from a relationship), improved in marital quality, and reported more intimacy.
More research is needed to explore whether, and how, the impact of this practice extends to other groups and cultures.
Keep in Mind
- Stonewalling may be the most harmful of the Four Horsemen to relationship satisfaction, regardless of your race or gender. Males may be at higher risk for this behavior, according to surveys.
- Avoiding the Four Horsemen may be especially beneficial when couples are dealing with financial difficulty. Among mostly white, heterosexual married couples, financial stress seemed to hurt marital quality more for couples who frequently engaged in the Four Horsemen, rather than alternative, healthier communication behaviors (such as Active Listening).
- Latino and Caucasian heterosexual couples who exhibited the Four Horsemen were more likely to experience relationship instability and violence. But unlike in Caucasian couples, Latino men who showed more defensiveness and Latina women who were more critical did not show lower empathy in their relationships.
Couples who deal with certain mental health issues may be more at risk for engaging in the Four Horsemen:
- Heterosexual undergraduate couples engaged in more frequent Four Horsemen behaviors during conversations in a lab when one partner had a certain type of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder—a disorder marked by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
- People in heterosexual and homosexual relationships with high levels of borderline personality disorder (BPD)—a disorder marked by unstable relationships, self-image, and emotions—criticized more than those with low levels of BPD, while their partners defended and stonewalled more often.
- Heterosexual couples in which at least one partner survived childhood sexual abuse reported more contempt and defensiveness than couples with no history of childhood sexual abuse, especially when the male partner had experienced it.
- Deployed military personnel with depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder showed more Four Horsemen behaviors in their marriages.
Sources
John Gottman, Ph.D., The Gottman Institute
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail... and How You Can Make Yours Last, by John Gottman, Ph.D.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Personality disorders. In Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Neurodevelopmental disorders. In Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).
Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Ringwald, W. R., Stepp, S. D., Lazarus, S. A., et al. (2019). The emotional bank account and the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships of people with borderline personality disorder: A dyadic observational study. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063–1077.
Canu, W. H., Tabor, L. S., Michael, K. D., Bazzini, D. G., & Elmore, A. L. (2014). Young adult romantic couples’ conflict resolution and satisfaction varies with partner's attention–deficit/hyperactivity disorder type. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(4), 509–524.
City of Seattle Planning Department. (1992). Seattle 1990: Who we are (Current Planning Research Bulletin No. 52).
Davoodvandi, M., Shokouh, N. N., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the effectiveness of Gottman couple therapy on improving marital adjustment and couples' intimacy. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 13(2), 135–141.
Delatorre, M. Z., & Wagner, A. (2019). How do couples disagree? An analysis of conflict resolution profiles and the quality of romantic relationships. Revista Colombiana De Psicología, 28(2), 91–108.
Garanzini, S., Yee, A., Gottman, J., Gottman, J., Cole, C., Preciado, M., et al. (2017). Results of Gottman method couples therapy with gay and lesbian couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(4), 674–684.
Gottman, J. M., Levenson, R. W., Gross, J., Frederickson, B. L., McCoy, K., Rosenthal, L., Ruef, A., & Yoshimoto, D. (2003). Correlates of gay and lesbian couples' relationship satisfaction and relationship dissolution. Journal of Homosexuality, 45(1), 23–43.
Hill, E. J., Allsop, D. B., LeBaron, A. B., & Bean, R. A. (2017). How do money, sex, and stress influence marital instability? Journal of Financial Therapy, 8(1), 24.
Hooper, A., Spann, C., McCray, T., & Kimberly, C. (2017). Revisiting the basics: Understanding potential demographic differences with John Gottman’s four horsemen and emotional flooding. The Family Journal, 25(3), 224–229.
Karnani, S. R., & Zelman, D. C. (2019). Measurement of emotional blackmail in couple relationships in Hong Kong. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 8(3), 165–180.
Kelley, H. H., LeBaron, A. B., & Hill, E. J. (2018). Financial stress and marital quality: The moderating influence of couple communication. Journal of Financial Therapy, 9(2), 20.
Li, X., Cao, H., Lan, J., Ju, X., Zheng, Y., Chen, Y., Zhou, N., & Fang, X. (2019). The association between transition pattern of marital conflict resolution styles and marital quality trajectory during the early years of Chinese marriage. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(1), 153–186.
Li, X., Zhou, N., Fang, X., & Cao, H. (2020). Marital conflict resolution and marital affection in chinese marriage: Integrating variable-centered and person-centered approaches. Marriage & Family Review, 56(4), 369–389.
Parra-Cardona, J., & Busby, D. M. (2006). Exploring relationship functioning in premarital Caucasian and Latino/a couples: Recognizing and valuing cultural differences. Journal of Comparative Family Studies, 37(3), 345–359.
Rajaei, A., Daneshpour, M., & Robertson, J. (2019). The effectiveness of couples therapy based on the Gottman method among Iranian couples with conflicts: A quasi-experimental study. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 18(3), 223–240.
Rueda, H. A., Yndo, M., Williams, L. R., & Shorey, R. C. (2021). Does Gottman’s marital communication conceptualization inform teen dating violence? Communication skill deficits analyzed across three samples of diverse adolescents. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 36(11-12), NP6411–NP6440.
Stanley, S. M., Markman, H. J., & Whitton, S. W. (2002). Communication, conflict, and commitment: Insights on the foundations of relationship success from a national survey. Family Process, 41(4), 659–675.
Walker, E. C., Sheffield, R., Larson, J. H., & Holman, T. B. (2011). Contempt and defensiveness in couple relationships related to childhood sexual abuse histories for self and partner. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 37(1), 37–50.
Zamir, O., Gewirtz, A. H., Cheng, C. H., Zhang, N., & Lavee, Y. (2020). Psychological distress and communication quality in military couples after deployment to war. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(4), 383–391.
Relationships that avoid the "four horsemen" are most likely to thrive. Do you have a healthy, trusting partnership? Take our Relationship Trust quiz to find out:
Comments
and Reviews
ALEXJACKSONE11@GMAIL.COM
SPECIAL LOVE SPELL CASTER TO BRING BACK YOUR EX LOVER Hello everyone my names are ALEX JACKSON from the UK, I want to use this golden medium to appreciate Doctor Abdul a great spell caster for helping me retrieving back my relationship with my ex lover when he ended and turned back on me for quite a long time now (6 months ago). He performed a spell for me and within 48 hours after the spell had been cast I received a text from my ex saying that he is sorry for the pains and tears that he had caused me and that he will not do such a thing to me again in his life. I was surprised but later accepted him back again. Anyone that is in the same line of problem or different one that wants to contact a spell caster should happily contact Doctor Abdul now on this email doctorabdulspellcaster@gmail. com or message him through his Whatsapp +2348108728256
martha maa
+27785020358 Revenge spells to punish someone until you are fully avenged. Revenge spells to teach someone a lesson they will never forget using voodoo revenge spells. My spells of revenge will inflict serious harm on your enemies, so do not use my revenge spells unless you are sure. Revenge spells for cheaters & your enemies. Revenge spells and curses to help you get the ultimate revenge. Voodoo revenge spells for cheaters, ex lovers, your enemies & people who want to harm you. Give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot & to punish your enemies with revenge curses & spells for revenge. Did someone cheat on you and break your heart, then get my revenge spells to mete out some strong revenge against your ex-lover. My revenge spells will ensure that your cheating lover will never cheat again for the rest of his life. Fix their love life to be a disaster with love revenge spells. https://gogolovespells.com/
Keyshia cole
I'm thrilled to share my positive experience with Data Forensics Cyber Services, who successfully helped me recover my digital currency from scammers. If you're a victim of cryptocurrency scams, I highly recommend reaching out to Data Forensics Recovery Cyber Services. Their expertise and assistance can be invaluable in recovering your lost assets. Let's spread awareness about these scams and support those affected. Kudos to Data Forensics Recovery Cyber Services for their exceptional work!" you can reach them via Email:DataForensicscyberservices@protonmail.com WhatsApp:+1(315)612-1269 Website:https://www.data-forensics.de/ Please share this information ,lets put a stop to scammers. God bless you as you do so.
Denise Blesh
If you are reading this ,I hope it finds you well,My name is Denise Blesh. My relationship with my boyfriend was the best love I have ever experienced. It was a bit toxic though as I wasn’t in the best of places just coming out of my divorce. But our souls were so beautiful together. The good were amazing, we were friends but the challenging times were hard. We were together on and off for 7 years. We got married at the end we had problems and I freak out and thought I was locked in another toxic marriage and broke it off we separated ways i dedicated some time to myself doing therapy and soul cleansing when I began to stabilize and find my self and love life again and I realized what a gift he was,I still love him however now he will not have anything to do with me again. I missed him. I have tried to move on from him but my heart won’t let me so I reached out to PRIEST ADE who helped me fix our problems and brought us back together. I'm grateful I believe he can help you too contact him through these options. Email ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com WhatsApp +2348100170928 Website https://ancientspellcast.wordpress.com
UnityDr64310
Honestly, this Love spell caster made me feel a lot better. My marriage was restored and my husband came back to me he apologized for all the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. A big thanks to this wonderful psychic for bringing my husband back to me.. I never really believed in magic spells or anything spiritual but a trusted friend opened my eyes to the truth about life. My marriage was heading to divorce a few months ago. I was so confused and devastated with no clue or help on how to prevent it, till I was introduced to Dr. Excellent that did a love spell and broke every spiritual distraction from my marriage. A day later my husband started showing me love and care even better than it used to be, he’s ready to talk things through and find ways for us to stay happy. It’s such a miracle that my marriage can be saved so quickly without stress. You can also contact him for help. Here his contact. Call/WhatsApp him at: +2348084273514 "Or email him at: Excellentspellcaster@gmail.com , His website:https://drexcellentspellcaster.godaddysites.com
Jason Turner
I still find it hard to believe, but it's true. I won $30 million in the Powerball, right here in Western Australia. What was once a distant dream is now my reality. The very first thing I’m doing is securing the dream home my family and I have always longed for. We used to imagine what life could be like if things ever turned around, and now, that vision is finally coming to life. This blessing has brought peace, freedom, and a new beginning for all of us. This life-changing moment wasn’t random. I reached out to Priest Isaac for spiritual guidance, and what followed was nothing short of extraordinary. His work realigned my energy, removed unseen blockages, and connected me to the path of abundance. Everything shifted from that point forward. This isn’t just about winning money, it’s about stepping into the life we were always meant to live. I’m deeply grateful for Priest Isaac’s spiritual support and wisdom. Without it, I truly don’t believe this transformation would have happened. If you feel like something’s been holding you back, I encourage you to take that first step. Priest Isaac is someone you can trust. For spiritual guidance, contact him directly: WhatsApp: [+17636203556] Email: [Prophet.Isaac@priest.com] Thank you, Priest Isaac. You’ve truly changed our lives.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.
The Greater Good Toolkit
Made in collaboration with Holstee, this tookit includes 30 science-based practices for a meaningful life.