Making an Effective Apology

Why You Should Try It

Apologizing for an offense is an important step towards forgiveness and reconciliation. But not all apologies are equally effective. In an effort to avoid blame, we sometimes offer apologies that are hedged or incomplete, and these half-baked apologies are less likely to be well-received. In some cases they may even backfire, fueling hurt and resentment.  

It takes courage and vulnerability to admit wrongdoing and try to make things right; there’s always the possibility that our efforts will be rebuffed. But given the healing potential of apology for all parties, it’s a worthy effort—even if forgiveness isn’t the end result.

Why It Works

Apologies that include these elements are more likely to be effective because they satisfy the psychological needs of the offended person. They can restore the offended person’s sense of dignity, validating that they are not to blame and did not deserve to be hurt. They can give the offended person an opportunity to express their feelings and grieve their losses, and in some cases they can contribute to a sense of justice. A sincere apology can also reassure victims that they are safe from further harm, making them more likely to trust the offender again. 

Evidence That It Works

Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177-196. 

American adults rated apologies for a trust violation as more effective when they contained a greater number of the following elements: an acknowledgment of responsibility, an explanation of what went wrong, an expression of regret, an offer of repair, a declaration of repentance, and a request for forgiveness. An acknowledgement of responsibility and an offer of repair were the most important elements, while a request for forgiveness was the least important.

Who Has Tried the Practice?

Several studies have looked at the common elements of apologies in different cultures, and what makes them effective:

• Dutch and Turkish college students completed surveys about hypothetical workplace conflicts. Both groups were more forgiving and less likely to retaliate if the offender apologized by expressing remorse and admitting blame.
• Persian adults were observed during naturally occurring apologies. Researchers found that explicit apologies, acknowledgement of responsibility, and requests for forgiveness were commonly used.
• Sudanese adults verbally responded to situations of offense in a lab. Explanations, expressions of responsibility, offers of repair, and promises of forbearance were the most frequently used apology strategies.

More research is needed to explore whether, and how, the impact of this practice extends to other groups and cultures.

Keep in Mind

It may be helpful to allow the victim to voice their concerns and feel understood before you apologize, depending on the situation. Apologies offered later in a conversation were more effective than apologies offered at the beginning of the conversation for American college students.

Apologizing may come more naturally to women and people in certain cultures. Jordanian and Japanese adults were more likely than American adults to engage in effective apology strategies. Women are more likely to apologize than men, and men to avoid responsibility for their offenses through denial, aggressive justifications, and victim-blaming. You may also find it harder to apologize to a family member or close friend. American, Japanese, Korean, and Chinese college students were more likely to apologize in distant relationships than in close ones.

Adapting this exercise to your own culture and language may provide additional benefits. Ghanaian married couples were more likely to forgive when the offending partner included bodily gestures like bowing, holding hands, and touching feet. Indonesians and Iranians often apologized using language-specific requests for forgiveness rather than an explicit “I’m sorry.” Jordanian men frequently incorporated cultural proverbs into their apologies.

Apologies may not always be effective in restoring relationships, particularly for certain racial offenses. American undergraduates imagined being the client of a therapist who committed a racial microaggression against them. Whether the therapist apologized or not, the students reported equally poor impressions of the therapist.

Note that this exercise is meant for apologies related to trust violations, not for asking favors. (In some cultures, such as Japan and Korea, it is common to apologize when asking for favors.)

Sources

Aaron Lazare, M.D., Former Chancellor and Dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School and author of On Apology

For More

Lazare, A. (2004). Making Peace Through Apology. Greater Good.

Lazare, A. (2004). What an Apology Must Do. Greater Good. 

References

A heartfelt apology may inspire forgiveness. When you feel hurt, do you forgive and forget, or are you prone to hold a grudge? Take our Forgiveness Quiz to find out.